21 years ago I was admitted to hospital for a mastectomy. I was 38 years old. I had breast cancer. Over the years I have celebrated the day of my surgery, the start of my remission, as a second birthday. I have maintained a positive focus. But in recent years I find people who didn’t know me, don’t understand and don’t “get” why this is important. So, I decided this year I would travel back to that very frightened woman who entered that hospital ward. I was absolutely terrified, devastated. I remember feeling sick to my stomach every day from my diagnosis to the day of my surgery – a short ten days, imagine the pressure now for those given a speedy diagnosis but delay to treatment. That day I barely functioned, I remember the nurse asking if I had any worries or anxieties – I looked at her incredulously and said “of course”. I had no concept of how breast cancer would kill someone, I just thought I was going to die. As soon as the lights went out, I cried into my pillow, all night.

I never thought “why me”, partly because my mum (wonderful human being) had said “if you say `why me’ you’re saying it should be someone else” and because of a young lad (around 14 years old) who had been at the same assessment clinic. At first, I thought he was there with his mum, and I remember thinking “how sweet” but they called his name and I thought “rather me than you”. I have no idea how it worked out for him. I have had 21 years (so far), and I am so grateful for that. I also got an enormous wake up call, because while I didn’t say “why me” I guess I did say “why”. I struggled to understand the crashing of the fairy tale – I had been a “good girl”, people described me as industrious, hard-working, kind, etc. I had taken good care of myself, always fearing the heart disease that had plagued my dad since his forties, I ate well, never smoked, didn’t drink, went to the gym and stayed fit and slim. I didn’t understand why I was getting cancer when I didn’t fit the (fake) profile (it’s fake because breast cancer risks are being female, over 50 and having family history; the second two didn’t apply and there wasn’t much I could do about the first one). I quickly understood that life is extremely random. Bad things happen to good people. The fairy tale is… a fairy tale.  

Understanding life is random was a positive too. I think I made a better fist of it since then. I determined not to be quite as good, on my script “good” meant perfect and selfless. At that time, I didn’t have the understanding to challenge those fundamental flaws in my life map, but I did understand that working 60-70 hours a week wasn’t really serving me. I also understood – gasp – that in the face of such uncertainty about my future, work wasn’t about to take care of me! The people I worked with were amazing and I am lucky to have strong friendships that were forged before, during and after that time – you know who you are, and I love you. So, I decided that I would redirect my energy. At one point I was working full time and had four voluntary posts (school governor, support worker for a national breast cancer charity, member of the hospital’s patient engagement group for cancer and an experimental medicines committee member at another hospital. I did lots of different things, landed on spending my time between work, leisure, a couple of voluntary positions and a course in photography at the local technical college. On that course I met my now husband, an extremely patient, gentle and kind man.

Our lives since have been a rollercoaster, the lowest point was my mum being diagnosed with not one but two terminal illnesses six months after we were married, the high getting a Masters at 54 years of age. My volunteer work led to my coaching, a passion that makes me understand that work doesn’t have to be labour.  Recent years have been very hard, I think Covid changed us all and alongside that I have faced a few personal challenges. I have a small circle of family and very close friends who are constant and very precious to me. Who knows what the future holds? I am glad to be here, and I am grateful for every experience. Most of all I am so grateful for who I am, for what life has made me – kind, fierce, forgiving and brave.